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    So bored at work

    Sooo has anybody got any jokes to share? Heres a decent one i found online.

    Husband and wife...

    BEFORE MARRIAGE:

    Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
    Wife - Do you want me to leave?
    Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
    Wife - Do you love me?
    Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
    Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
    Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
    Wife - Will you kiss me?
    Husband - Every chance I get!
    Wife - Will you hit me?
    Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
    Wife - Can I trust you?
    Husband - Yes.
    Wife - Darling!

    AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

    7 Comments

    like it

    MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES!!!

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
    their bed.

    She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in
    front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his
    coffee.

    'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room ,
    'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

    The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we
    first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you
    remember back then?' he says solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so
    sensitive.

    'Yes, I do' she replies.

    The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

    'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

    'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
    him.

    The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my
    face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for
    20 years?'

    'I remember that too' she replies softly.

    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ...

    'I would have been released today.'

    Wife: "What are you doing?"
    Husband: Nothing.
    Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
    Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."


    Wife: "Do you want dinner?"
    Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"
    Wife: "Yes and no."


    Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
    Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
    Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
    Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"


    Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
    Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
    Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."


    Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
    Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
    Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."


    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"


    Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
    Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

    Banned

    muckyangel;7093381

    MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES!!! A woman awakes during the night to find … MEN DO REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES!!! A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room , 'Why are you down here at this time of night?' The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?' 'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?' 'I remember that too' she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says ... 'I would have been released today.'



    Hilarious. Very good joke after ages.

    davidn84;7093485

    Wife: "Do you want dinner?"Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"Wife: … Wife: "Do you want dinner?"Husband: "Sure! What are my choices?"Wife: "Yes and no."Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."



    :lol:

    nice ones

    Original Poster

    The son and mum one was a good one

    911 calls...

    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
    Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
    Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
    Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
    Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
    Dispatcher: Excuse me?
    Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
    Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
    Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
    Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
    Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
    Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
    Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
    Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
    Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
    Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
    Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


    Dispatcher: 9-1-1
    Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
    Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
    Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
    Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
    Caller: No
    Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
    Caller: Running from the Police.
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