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    Something for the weekend?

    Jokes that is.....! What'd you think I meant?

    Ok here's a start...

    A Kiwi man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    'Try again.' he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed.

    The next morning he hears noise outside, but cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    'No,' she says, 'they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is Beeping the horn!'

    17 Comments

    :? must be tired.. I dont get it! lol

    haha!

    Original Poster

    Hey Magic. How's things today kid?

    You're a busy little neewbie!!

    Being Welsh......

    I like this joke and feel that it brings me close to our antipodean friends. Good one :thumbsup: hehehe

    Original Poster

    Alright then.... I'll supply ALL the jokes shall I? Sheeesh!

    Listen up....

    [COLOR="Indigo"]Why men dont get jobs writing in advice columns.[/COLOR]

    Dear Ted,

    I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbour making mad passionate love to her.

    I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back garden and heard a lady scream. He had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her on the bed and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

    Sincerely, Susie Fox


    [COLOR="Indigo"]Dear Susie,

    A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps.

    Ted[/COLOR]

    Blasphemous;2067814

    Alright then.... I'll supply ALL the jokes shall I? Sheeesh!Listen … Alright then.... I'll supply ALL the jokes shall I? Sheeesh!Listen up....[COLOR="Indigo"]Why men dont get jobs writing in advice columns.[/COLOR]Dear Ted, I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with our neighbour making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back garden and heard a lady scream. He had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her on the bed and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was sacked from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help? Sincerely, Susie Fox[COLOR="Indigo"]Dear Susie, A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber. I hope this helps. Ted[/COLOR]



    lol, this was awesome :-)

    Original Poster

    Teens...

    http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v190/bob3160/ShellFTP/Teens.png

    Original Poster

    It is just me isn't it?...


    Three Brazilian Soldiers Killed in Iraq

    Donald Rumsfeld briefed the president this morning.
    He told Bush that three brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.
    To everyones amazement, all of the colour ran from bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering.
    Finaly he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld "Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"

    I dont get the OP:thinking::?

    Blasphemous;2067892

    It is just me isn't it?...Three Brazilian Soldiers Killed in IraqDonald … It is just me isn't it?...Three Brazilian Soldiers Killed in IraqDonald Rumsfeld briefed the president this morning. He told Bush that three brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.To everyones amazement, all of the colour ran from bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finaly he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld "Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"


    :giggle: good one!

    bellabonkers;2067896

    I dont get the OP:thinking::?


    The sheep are waiting for him ( and beeping the car horn - come on mate).
    Not that I'm actually condoning this type of sheepish thinking!!

    Blasphemous;2067878

    Teens...



    Stuck it up 15 years ago - no effect!

    Original Poster

    Here's another one you won't get then...

    A poem.....by Sir Paul McCartney

    We lay upon a grassy bank
    My hands were all a quiver
    I slowly undid her suspender belt
    And her leg fell in the river.

    Dreadful

    I like that one

    Original Poster

    Last one for tonight coz i'm going to bed and all this typing is killing me!...

    [COLOR="Red"]WORDS WOMEN USE[/COLOR]

    FINE
    this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and
    you need to shut up.

    FIVE MINUTES
    If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

    NOTHING
    This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

    GO AHEAD
    This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

    LOUD SIGH
    This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

    THAT'S OKAY
    This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

    THANKS
    A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

    Oh, and before I forget ...

    WHATEVER

    ...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

    Original Poster

    Geez you guys know No Jokes?

    Here's another....

    The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

    [COLOR="Red"]"Hello?"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="Blue"]"Is your daddy home?" he asked.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="Red"]"Yes," whispered the small voice.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="Blue"]"May I talk with him?" [/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"No" whispered the child.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mammy there?"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"Yes"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]"May I talk with her?" [/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]Again the small voice whispered, "No"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" [/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" [/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"No, he's busy," whispered the child.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]"Busy doing what?"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"Talking to Daddy and Mammy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.[/COLOR]
    [COLOR="blue"]
    Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter"[/COLOR]

    [COLOR="blue"]Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" [/COLOR]

    [COLOR="red"]Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "Me!"[/COLOR]
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