Tell us a joke thread

133
Found 28th Jan 2011
As per title- Give us what you got...

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Original Poster

My Fav:

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Emma?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please".
She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite"
"Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

Edited by: "emmalampkin" 28th Jan 2011


Shortly after our divorce my former wife sadly passed away, but at her cremation I think I might have upset my previous in-laws by singing to Kings of Leon:

"Woooaaah, My ex is on fire"


Does Africa have a Lynx 'England' that smells of cigarettes and disappointment?

Banned

In b4 farhadmaster and his "they'll think were nuts"' joke

man wakes his wife up and asks 'would you like a cup of coffee darling or would you prefer to make love'. 'I'm not fussed' replies the wife, 'either way it's going to be instant'

Husband shouts to wife, come upstairs and look at this magnificent clock.
She goes upstairs and her hubby is standing there naked with a huge boner.
Thats not a clock she says, hubby replies soon will be when it's got 2 hands and a face on it.

DangerGod

In b4 farhadmaster and his "they'll think were nuts"' joke



lol....he will be at school mate

And the barman says "we dont serve time travellers here"


A time traveller walks into a bar

Yo mama is so fat she doesn't need the internet.
She is already WORLD WIDE

After both suffering from depression for a while me and the wife decided to commit suicide yesterday. Strangely enough once she'd killed herself I felt a little better so I thought oh **** it then I'll soldier on.

Yo mamma so stupid she stared at a orange juice carton just because it said concentrate

Yo mamma so stupid she tried to eat her iPhone because it had an apple on it

Original Poster

What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A: By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

yo mamma so fat her blood type is rocky road

I had a dream last night that I was cutting up carrots with the grim reaper. I was dicing with death.

A monkey goes into a bar and asks the barman: Do you have any bananas?
No,I don't. ( says the barman) Do you have any bananas? (asks the monkey) No,I have not got any bananas!!!
Do you have any bananas?
If you ask me that question one more time, I'll nail your tongue to the counter!!! Do you have any nails?
No,I don't.
Do you have any bananas?

Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?

A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

Yo mammas so fat that when she goes to the cinema she sits next to everybody

me and the wife were having marriage problems so we went to see a marriage counsellor, during the compatibility section one of the questions was do you know what your wife's favourite flower is, apparently it's not homepride.

Original Poster

Charlie Scene

Yo mammas so fat that when she goes to the cinema she sits next to … Yo mammas so fat that when she goes to the cinema she sits next to everybody



Thats just lame - You disappoint me

wife walks into bedroom and says tonight i'm gonna make you the happiest man alive.
Hubby replies, dont f?&k about, who's gonna help you pack at this time of night.

See all of the above and more at sickipedia.org/

emmalampkin

Thats just lame - You disappoint me



X) i thought the"yo mammas" jokes were more original than the cut and paste from sickipedia ones!

Being a very religious kind of person, when I checked into my hotel, I said to the woman at the desk; "I hope the p*rn channel in my room is disabled."
"No," she said, "It's regular p*rn, you sick b*stard!!"

Charlie Scene

X) i thought the"yo mammas" jokes were more original than the cut and … X) i thought the"yo mammas" jokes were more original than the cut and paste from sickipedia ones!



yo mamma jokes are great!

emmalampkin

Thats just lame - You disappoint me

yep got to agree that is just rubbish!

Original Poster

Charlie Scene

X) i thought the"yo mammas" jokes were more original than the cut and … X) i thought the"yo mammas" jokes were more original than the cut and paste from sickipedia ones!



C'mon Charlie boy- Who calls there Mum- Mamma? Its ya Ma/Mother/Mam/Old girl/Queen but no mamma.
American aint it.

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane both with a machine gunner on board. Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right **** – apparently they were Allied Carpets


A 14 year old girl was dragged to the ground and robbed at knifepoint for her ipod











and nobody stopped me!!

emmalampkins so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'
'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who did she play for?'

Original Poster

Charlie Scene

emmalampkins so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!



LMAO!
Damn i thought i actually did a good job of disgusing my tash in my profile pic- Must try harder!

emmalampkin is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
“Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering,
the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with
you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."
"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist. "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
“That's no better.
There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
"London."
“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Yo mama so stupid, I said, "Why do you have 2 quarters in your ears?" and she said, "I am listening to 50 cent."

Original Poster

emmalampkin

What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?A: By the time you've … What is the similarity between a woman and KFC?A: By the time you've finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.



Charlie Scene is so poor when he goes to KFC, he has to lick other people's fingers!

Original Poster

Charlie Scene

emmalampkin is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to … emmalampkin is so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind



Hey, i warned you yesterday about the Lipstick! Leave out or i will be forced to get real nasty!!

emmalampkin

Charlie Scene is so poor when he goes to KFC, he has to lick other … Charlie Scene is so poor when he goes to KFC, he has to lick other people's fingers!



true story = bad times

Roger Hargreaves has created a new Mr Men character based on Emile Heskey....he's called him Mr Sitter

emmalampkin

Hey, i warned you yesterday about the Lipstick! Leave out or i will be … Hey, i warned you yesterday about the Lipstick! Leave out or i will be forced to get real nasty!!



i know couldn't resist - sowie
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