tommy cooper a few jokes that made me giggle

    1. Two blondes walk into a'd think at least one
    them would have seen it.

    2. Phone answering machine message "... If you want to buy marijuana,
    press the hash key..."

    3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

    The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

    4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
    find any.

    5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
    couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are
    too high."

    6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him

    7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
    "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
    can't, I've cut your arms off".

    8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

    9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
    craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
    and heat it.

    10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
    with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

    11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

    Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

    12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That
    sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

    13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is crosseyed, is
    there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a
    look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
    his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

    "What? Because he's crosseyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

    14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
    backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

    15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

    16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
    me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go

    18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
    people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
    Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger Brother HoChaChu?
    But I think it's

    20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
    and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
    one off.

    21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

    They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
    that was

    22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
    places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

    23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
    twoseater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
    workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
    as digging continues into the night.


    Original Poster

    i for got to edit number 19 i hopet hats not too bad (i know its avoiding the swear filter i forgot about that one)

    Yes very good. Sounds like the sort of stuff Tim Vine would come out with as well :lol::lol:

    Very good.
    I can hear his voice as I read them.
    Do you think I need to see a doctor. :w00t:

    lmao he was the best wasn't he :-D



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