Various Funny Jokes

Found 25th Aug 2008
A woman got on a bus holding a baby.
"Blimey," the bus driver said, "that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathised and said, "He's a public servant! He shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man agreed. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
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This bloke is pacing up and down at home while his wife is in hospital giving birth. The phone rings and the bloke answers.
"This is the hospital, sir, your wife has given birth to twins. However, there are more on the way."
The bloke puts the phone down and takes a large swig of vodka. The phone rings again. "This is the hospital, your wife has had another little boy, and there are still more on the way."
The bloke drinks the whole bottle of vodka - by now he is totally bladdered.
He picks up the phone to ring the hospital to find out if she's had any more babies but, by mistake, he rings lords cricket ground.
When the phone is answered, he asks, "what's the latest?"
And the person on the line says, "97 all out, and the last one was a duck!"
Bob is walking home when he sees a tramp begging for change. Feeling a bit sorry for the man, he gives him some change and begins to walk off.

"Thank you," says the homeless man. "It used to be so good for me but look at me now."

"What do you mean?" asked Bob.

The tramp replied, "I was a multi-millionaire, I had bank accounts all across the world with millions in. I had investments, bonds, stocks, shares and all sorts."

"What happened, where did it go wrong?"

The tramp replied, "forgot my bloomin' mother's maiden name."
It's strange isn't it ?
You stand in the middle of the library and go "Aaaaaaaaargh!!" and everyone stares at you.
But do it on a plane and everyone joins in.
What's the difference between a HUKD moderator and a carpet?

A carpet will get laid once in its life

A man comes running into his house "I'VE WON THE FECKING LOTTERY!!"

His wife is extatic, "OH MY GOD!! REALLY!?"

"Yeah pack up some clothes honey"

"Should I pack for cold or warm weather?" she asks him.

"I don't care honey JUST FECKING GET OUT!"
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a penny" is not to be used after 31st December 2008

As of this date, the correct terminology will be: "Euronating"
:giggle: some good ones there
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