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    VB1: VB1's Lunchtime Comedy Roadshow 2010

    Banned
    All my own work, heres a quick bit of sit down comedy for you this lunchtime...

    I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

    I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone.

    I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

    I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

    As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog.

    Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.

    What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

    Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

    For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.

    Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…

    Thanks, I'm here all week

    28 Comments

    Supermod

    Top ten Fringe. I love it.

    Original Poster Banned

    magicjay1986

    Top ten Fringe. I love it.



    Huh?

    You might have heard some of these before because I write for many top comics. Including the beano.

    Supermod

    vibeone

    Huh?You might have heard some of these before because I write for many … Huh?You might have heard some of these before because I write for many top comics. Including the beano.



    I believe you but many wont.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes.

    No idea


    Bud oom boom

    numptyj

    What do you call a deer with no eyes.No ideaBud oom boom



    So what you call a dead deer with no eyes

    Stil no idea

    Original Poster Banned

    still no idea.

    HA.

    proof i am comedy hero.

    For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty.



    X)

    vibeone

    still no idea.HA.proof i am comedy hero.



    sorry to get in b4 you there VB, I'll leave the comedy genius to you

    funny!! me likee

    what do you call a man with a seagull on his head.

    Cliff.

    What do you call a man with a spade on his head.

    Doug

    what do you call a man without a spade on his head.

    Douglas


    many thanks good night much love

    Original Poster Banned

    bossyboots

    X)



    You can also apply the same logic to many posters on here

    numptyj

    what do you call a man with a seagull on his head.Cliff.What do you call … what do you call a man with a seagull on his head.Cliff.What do you call a man with a spade on his head.Dougwhat do you call a man without a spade on his head.Douglasmany thanks good night much love



    What do you call a man with a wooden head?
    Edward.
    Man with 2 wooden heads?
    Edward wood.
    What do you call a man with 3 wooden heads?
    Edward woodward.
    What do you call a Man with 4 wooden heads?
    I dunno but Edward Woodward would.

    ^^^^ BAN HIM!

    not me, one above me!
    Edited by: "MinstrelMan" 23rd Aug 2010

    MinstrelMan

    ^^^^ BAN HIM!not me, one above me!


    Not that bad is it?

    I'll be honest the weather thread is funnier, it's like the watching the outtakes from one flew over the cuckoos nest in there,

    I'll leave you with a rather apt chic murray one liner,

    I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

    ants97

    I'll be honest the weather thread is funnier, it's like the watching the … I'll be honest the weather thread is funnier, it's like the watching the outtakes from one flew over the cuckoos nest in there,I'll leave you with a rather apt chic murray one liner,I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.


    One liner?

    deek72

    [One liner?



    here you go, just so you can get to the end without falling asleep,

    Kippers- fish that like a lot of sleep.

    What do you call a woodpecker with no beak?

    A headbanger.

    The two birds one stone one made me laugh lol!

    The anarexic girls, the eyepatch kid, and the lifebelt funeral ones were all stolen from sickipedia...and they were the good ones.

    JonnyLarge

    The anarexic girls, the eyepatch kid, and the lifebelt funeral ones were … The anarexic girls, the eyepatch kid, and the lifebelt funeral ones were all stolen from sickipedia...and they were the good ones.



    Which sikipedia took from live stand up jokes.

    Everyone's a thief.

    (anorexic)

    Banned

    Q:What do you call a man who likes to kiss other men?
    A: Ho-Moe Bender Pants

    Q: What have Princess Diana and Will I Am (off of the Black Eye Peas) got in common?
    A: They're both dead.

    Q: What do you get if you cross Cheryl Cole (off of the Girls Aloud) with a mosquito
    A: Mal-air-ear-a (Malaria)

    Knock knock
    Who is there?
    Christopher Eccleston (off of the Dr Who) and David Tenant
    Christopher Eccleston and David Tenant who?
    Dr Who

    Q: How did the chicken cross the road?
    A: On Spetember the El-egenth (the 11th)

    Q: What have Maddie McCann (off of Portugal kidnap) and Michael Jackson (off of the Jackson 5) got in common?
    A: They both went to Portugal.

    Banned

    so you read the Times Vibeone? should have just posted a link

    Banned

    goldmax

    so you read the Times Vibeone? should have just posted a link



    No, he made an actual thread out of a news story. Most of the mouth-breathing proles here would just post:

    "Look at this lol."

    Followed by a link. At least his post has some substance to it.

    Original Poster Banned

    DJ1

    No, he made an actual thread out of a news story. Most of the … No, he made an actual thread out of a news story. Most of the mouth-breathing proles here would just post: "Look at this lol."Followed by a link. At least his post has some substance to it.



    ^ This

    VB1 - Powered by substance (abuse)

    magicjay1986

    many wont.


    Good sleuthing http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii78/chesso_photos/animated%20smilies/hukdthumbsup2.gif
    from ^
    Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
    Edited by: "chesso" 23rd Aug 2010

    not your own work at all, you got it chris moyles show this morning from the edinborough festival

    DJ1

    Q:What do you call a man who likes to kiss other men?A: Ho-Moe Bender … Q:What do you call a man who likes to kiss other men?A: Ho-Moe Bender PantsQ: What have Princess Diana and Will I Am (off of the Black Eye Peas) got in common?A: They're both dead. Q: What do you get if you cross Cheryl Cole (off of the Girls Aloud) with a mosquitoA: Mal-air-ear-a (Malaria)Knock knockWho is there?Christopher Eccleston (off of the Dr Who) and David TenantChristopher Eccleston and David Tenant who?Dr WhoQ: How did the chicken cross the road?A: On Spetember the El-egenth (the 11th)Q: What have Maddie McCann (off of Portugal kidnap) and Michael Jackson (off of the Jackson 5) got in common?A: They both went to Portugal.


    Why did you have to spoil a reasonably amusing thread by just coming on and being a childish imbecile?

    Btw, I'm just curious: how old are you?
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