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    Viz Top Tips

    Enjoy! (sorry if they've been posted before, I searched, but couldn't find anything)


    MUMS. Out of Christmas wrapping paper? Simply convert birthday wrapping paper by adding "Jesus" after "Happy Birthday."

    GENTLEMEN. Next time you are making love with a lady, cross your eyes and Hey Presto! That saucy threesome with identical twins that you've always dreamed of.

    RECREATE the danger of a parachute jump in safety by visiting Google Earth and clicking the scroll bar until you reach the ground. Add realism to the exercise by putting a fan on blowing full in your face.

    MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

    BOOKSHOP OWNERS. Annoy Christians by putting the Bible in the 'Fiction' section of your shop where, joking aside, it actually belongs.

    HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem more roomy than it actually is.

    MUMS. After your kids have mastered spelling with Alphabetti Spaghetti, buy a tin of the normal stuff so as they can practise joined-up writing.

    BONO. Take the p*ss by spending thousands of pounds on pink tinted sunglasses then ask the working class to give to charity.

    EXPERIENCE the thrills of a skiing holiday without the expense. Simply sellotape two planks of wood to your feet, sit in your freezer for three hours, then run into a tree as fast as you can.

    BOILED EGGS cut in half vertically, and with the yolk removed, make ideal miniature porcelain-style urinals for hamsters and guinea pigs.

    SUPERMARKETS. Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.

    PUBLIC TOILET USERS. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.

    WOULD-BE CRIMINALS. Before you commit a crime, get a taste of what the world would look like from inside a prison by holding a fork up close to your eye.

    LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

    LEFT WING CELEBRITIES. When offered an OBE or similar gong, don't 'accept it begrudgingly', saying you disagree with system, but it is churlish to turn it down. Simply tell them to f*ck off and keep your credibility.

    RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

    DEAF PEOPLE. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

    DAILY MAIL EDITORS. Confuse your readers by claiming that asylum seekers are the natural predators of paedophiles.

    4 Comments

    bono one is my fav, when he played in glasgow, he was on stage spouting his usual hyprocritical ****, goes like this...... bobo"every time ,i clap my hands, a child in Africa, dies" voice from the crowd "stop f***ing clapping then". Honestly i was there, Glasgow crowds the hardest.

    Nice one, haven't read viz for about 15 years.:thumbsup:
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