What do you do with people that talk on and on and on and on...?

Posted 22nd May 2022
As the title says, what do you do with people that have a habit of going on and on when they start talking? I don't mean people that are naturally just very chatty and talkative, I'm more meaning people that when they start talking can go in to a monologue and talk on and on about something for twenty minutes or whatever without seemingly registering that they are just droning on and on?

Obviously I'm aware that some people may well be on the spectrum and not have an awareness of the fact that they are waffling on and on and may not be able to read the signs that instead of a two way conversation they have gone in to a self-centred monologue, and I can also understand that some people might be lonely or not have people to talk to and are just unloading a week's worth of what is in their head on to the first person that gives them an oppurtunity to speak.

What is the best way of dealing with these situations when someone is rambling on and on without pause, do you explain to them that they are just going on, do you make an excuse to leave or stop them talking, or are there any better ways to deal with it?
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  1. Avatar
    Author
    Timbonagasaki22/05/2022 12:14

    Are you 'Asking for a friend'?


    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.
  2. Avatar
    Uncle Colm?
  3. Avatar
    Trying "framing" the conversation more, try starting with setting an expectation of time, that you only have 5 minutes because of xx etc. That helps to set some clear expectations. Keep engaged with them, don't let them see you start to switch off, interupt with clear concise questions, which also shows you have been paying attention but also change and set a direction in the conversation. If they still rambling, try to "help them land the plane", take an air traffic controller stance with very concise directed words like "ultimately", "conculsion",for example "What ultimately happened?", "Given what you’ve said, what conclusion are you drawing?". Everyone has to breathe at some point and this is the best time to perform that interuption This obviously depends upon the context of the conversations.

    The framing with the time expectations can also be used retrospectively for example "lets talk about this over lunch/coffee/break as I'd like to hear more about xxx", this again also shows you have been listening.

    Another way to approach the subject with the person might be again another framing context, this time you are framing and telling a "story" about how you watched/attended training around conversation techniques around being more articulated and concise when you are trying to get across some points in work. This can help lead a debate about "do you feel I don't articulate myself the best I could". This helps plant the seeds into the other person knowing you are trying something new and also making them think about they ways they articulate and be concise themselves. Though do read up on different techniques and frameworks first like "The traffic light rule", "PRES Conversation model" and "COIN conversation model".

    Do ensure to make them feel that the conversation was welcoming, sometimes the person is only after feedback or literally as you say, they might be lonely and others don't acknowledge them, leading to the unloading. If you feel this might be the case, that's where the "talking over lunch/coffee" works really well, as you have already set a time-framed expection and made them feel welcoming at the same time.

    Hope this helps somewhat. (edited)
  4. Avatar
    You mean much like your monologue above with no paragraphs?
  5. Avatar
    Are you 'Asking for a friend'?
  6. Avatar
    Tell them to join HUKD and post some random rants in discussions They will fit in nicely.
  7. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 12:30

    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. S …No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.


    If they are a friend, mention it to them that you want to talk as well (in a kind way)

    If they take it…..winner

    If they don’t like it and never speak to you again……winner
  8. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 12:30

    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. S …No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.


    I cough loudly and apologise saying Covid may still be lingering. Shuts up most people.
  9. Avatar
    Well this is awkward
  10. Avatar
    Tldr
  11. Avatar
    Avoid

    (i.e. monosylabic responses)
  12. Avatar
    How I would handle really depends on the person which you are going to be best to judge

    However, I do have one example with a character of the type you describe where I take the mickey and grab the words in his monologue out of context in other directions when he starts doing it.

    example he is on one and says "right" in mid conversation to go on next part I throw a "left" in there

    or in a sequence where he has effectively said a lyric to a song I start singing the song.

    It knocks him off kilter, makes him pause, makes him think and then he normally bursts out laughing.

    As say depends on other person if this would work but both us find it funny and keeps me being inventive on what I am going to do next to knock him off balance to break the monologue and bring it to a two way conversation. (edited)
  13. Avatar
    Maybe you are just a good listener.
  14. Avatar
    Not sure I can help but I can relate sadly, my friend rings me first thing on Monday mornings to give me an update of her weekend. I usually don't get past how are you before I get told 'don't ask' after which follows an hour's monologue minimum of her weekend troubles. I am a good listener but my patience is diminishing day by day so here's my tactics that I try out now and again: she's on the phone so luckily I can leave her on speaker phone while I rush around and do the housework, I will say yes now and again so she thinks I'm listening, sneaky I know but can't be helped. Sometimes I'll interrupt her with something that's bothering me, she continues from where she left off anyway, and when I've really had enough I have to cut her off, feel for you as Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (edited)
  15. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 12:30

    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. S …No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.


    Try getting 5/6/7 friends forever together, there’s 10 conversations going on at once and none are ever finished, ultimately, a phone call is needed next day if you were particularly interested in any and want to know the outcome.

    Of course, if Prosecco is being consumed (most likely), any of us can even remember what’s been talked about during the evening
  16. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 14:21

    Yes, I've known both these friends for a while. One of them is a guy that …Yes, I've known both these friends for a while. One of them is a guy that I met at the school yard a few years back when were picking up our kids and we got talking. He's a very friendly guy but has a habit of when he starts talking about certain subjects, such as his ex-wife and how she treated him, will just go on and on about it in a very long monologue without stopping. I think it's because he's a bit lonely and doesn't have anyone apart from his kids to talk to, and that maybe he genuinely thinks telling someone about his life and how hard it's been is interesting but he just literally doesn't stop once he gets on to a subject he wants talk about.The other friend I've known for much longer, and this is the one that I need to be more delicate about. I think he's on the spectrum as they say, and just isn't aware that he is rambling on or that the conversation has become a monologue on his part. It's very hard to steer him away once he goes off on one as he doesn't seem to get a hint. I don't live near him any more but we've started playing Playstaion games online together and my word, instead of just using the voice chat to talk about whats happening on the game he'll just go on and on about what is on his mind, or his opinion on something in the news, or whatever. I keep trying to hint to him that I'm not really looking to talk about stuff like that in the middle of a game of COD but he doesn't get the hint and just waffles on regardless.


    You know what I find even worse, those folks who can't hold any sort of conversation, or if they do they are limited to one or two subjects, you know the sort, sports/football and celebrities or other trash news/current affairs. Always talking about other people lives, like it has any bearing on their own life or it is at all important. I mean who cares about other people, but yes I do take an interest in actual people that I know and their lives, but there is a limit.

    Maybe tell you friend to get over his wife, if they are divorced and he is still wittering on about her, then tell him to realise that she is still taking up him time while he talks about her, why would you do that? Take it from another perspective, so that you aren't annoyed at him, but are telling him about him still having an impact on his friendships and relationships. Or maybe suggest counselling, so he can talk to someone about it professionally if he can't get over it?

    As for the voice chat issue, we talk about all-sorts, totally random crap when playing as a group, even in the middle of something fast paced. If you don't like it then perhaps turn off comms, or say you only want to discuss the game you are playing. I'd find it weird if I was playing with people who I knew well, and they only wanted to talk about the game, its not like you are streaming to Twitch for $'s. Or do you find you play worse and lose concentration or something, so it annoys you?
  17. Avatar
    Author
    Uncommon.Sense22/05/2022 16:31

    You know what I find even worse, those folks who can't hold any sort of …You know what I find even worse, those folks who can't hold any sort of conversation, or if they do they are limited to one or two subjects, you know the sort, sports/football and celebrities or other trash news/current affairs. Always talking about other people lives, like it has any bearing on their own life or it is at all important. I mean who cares about other people, but yes I do take an interest in actual people that I know and their lives, but there is a limit. Maybe tell you friend to get over his wife, if they are divorced and he is still wittering on about her, then tell him to realise that she is still taking up him time while he talks about her, why would you do that? Take it from another perspective, so that you aren't annoyed at him, but are telling him about him still having an impact on his friendships and relationships. Or maybe suggest counselling, so he can talk to someone about it professionally if he can't get over it? As for the voice chat issue, we talk about all-sorts, totally random crap when playing as a group, even in the middle of something fast paced. If you don't like it then perhaps turn off comms, or say you only want to discuss the game you are playing. I'd find it weird if I was playing with people who I knew well, and they only wanted to talk about the game, its not like you are streaming to Twitch for $'s. Or do you find you play worse and lose concentration or something, so it annoys you?


    With regards to the voice chat in games, I don't mind a bit of chat and catching up or a few jokes, that's fine. But this one friend has a habit of after a while going off on one about something and it's just really not very interesting to hear a monologue for twenty or thirty minutes about their views of one particular topic such as the details of the public transport network where they live or what they've been eating this past week. Like I say, it just gets very wearying listening to that, it's not even like it's an interesting two way conversation you are having with them, it's just one person literally droning on.
  18. Avatar
    Sounds like my mother in law
  19. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 12:30

    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. S …No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.


    I just tend to day dream and agree without everything they say
  20. Avatar
    Keep yawning
  21. Avatar
    I've got a colleague who is exactly like this

    Now I just interrupt and say what I need to say, then let her continue

    And then interrupt again, and then let her continue

    And you know what, she doesn't actually mind or notice

    And it seems to be working fine
  22. Avatar
    Thankfully certain friends I had who were like that where you couldn't get a word in edge ways as they loved the sound of their own voices are old friends for that reason, amongst others, and a recurring nightmare is I bump into one of them after all this time!
  23. Avatar
    People can talk too much cause they are lonely or have self abandonment issues.

    It can be very taxing to engage in prolonged conversation with someone that talks a lot and who doesn’t respond to social cues but ultimately you can only be responsible for the way you interact with someone.

    One thing you can do is to set boundaries for yourself. Make it clear how much time you have (for them) and when the time ends follow through by letting them know you are out of time. It’s not your job to facilitate someone else’s actions in a social setting but by clearly communicating and setting boundaries for yourself, you show them you have time for them but that it is limited. If you see positive changes in your interaction you can allow yourself more to spend with them or adjust appropriately. Ultimately it’s about self-respect. (edited)
  24. Avatar
    I get this sometimes as a postie. I tend to chat as to not be rude but then start edging away if they're going on and on and I think they get the message or just tell them sorry I have to get on. If it's someone regular your seeing then get someone to phone you at a certain time to get away.
  25. Avatar
    Anonymous User
    Subscribed
  26. Avatar
    . This may help
  27. Avatar
    What's an expection? did you mean expectation?
  28. Avatar
    I talk a lot, but then again in a people person most of the time. If someone asks me nicely to stop as I'm boring them/annoying them then I will.

    If they are the type of person whose entire conversation is two sentences about even the most complex subjects, then they just don't care about conversation and I won't bother anyhow.

    If they are your real friends then you must have known this is how they are for a while?
  29. Avatar
    Author
    Uncommon.Sense22/05/2022 13:28

    I talk a lot, but then again in a people person most of the time. If …I talk a lot, but then again in a people person most of the time. If someone asks me nicely to stop as I'm boring them/annoying them then I will.If they are the type of person whose entire conversation is two sentences about even the most complex subjects, then they just don't care about conversation and I won't bother anyhow.If they are your real friends then you must have known this is how they are for a while?


    Yes, I've known both these friends for a while. One of them is a guy that I met at the school yard a few years back when were picking up our kids and we got talking. He's a very friendly guy but has a habit of when he starts talking about certain subjects, such as his ex-wife and how she treated him, will just go on and on about it in a very long monologue without stopping. I think it's because he's a bit lonely and doesn't have anyone apart from his kids to talk to, and that maybe he genuinely thinks telling someone about his life and how hard it's been is interesting but he just literally doesn't stop once he gets on to a subject he wants talk about.

    The other friend I've known for much longer, and this is the one that I need to be more delicate about. I think he's on the spectrum as they say, and just isn't aware that he is rambling on or that the conversation has become a monologue on his part. It's very hard to steer him away once he goes off on one as he doesn't seem to get a hint. I don't live near him any more but we've started playing Playstaion games online together and my word, instead of just using the voice chat to talk about whats happening on the game he'll just go on and on about what is on his mind, or his opinion on something in the news, or whatever. I keep trying to hint to him that I'm not really looking to talk about stuff like that in the middle of a game of COD but he doesn't get the hint and just waffles on regardless.
  30. Avatar
    Haircut_10022/05/2022 12:30

    No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. S …No, I’m asking because I have a coupe of friends that can do this. Sometimes my friend asks if I’d like to meet up for a coffee but honestly it can be quite a wearying experience having them talk on for half an hour at a time without stopping. I was just wondering if anyone else has the same experience and what they find is the best way to deal with it.


    Get new friends. Friends are meant to be fun and you should enjoy their company, if it’s a chore get rid.

    if people bore myself I would just leave, be rude or tell them. But I find I don’t like many people to begin with.
  31. Avatar
    Anonymous User
    Just let them get on with it
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