What would you do?

    A very close family member is undergoing major surgery as we speak.

    I would like to go and see them tonight but they have said they do not want any visitors at all (for tonight).

    I feel uncomfortable leaving them on their own and not going along to 'lend my support' but on the other hand would like to respect their wishes by not going.

    Really don't know what to do.

    Any advice?


    They probably will be asleep anyway, i personally would go

    I think you should go, your relative could not possibly think of you as a bad person for wanting to see them at a time like this.

    well if they have said they dont want anyone there you have to respect that but i would defo go and see them tommorrow.

    If it was me I would still go

    Some people say 'leave me alone' when really they want someone there.
    Some people say 'leave me alone' and they really do want to be left alone.

    If you're close to your family member then you should know what they really want :thumbsup:

    Do as your told

    Id go, with the intention of maybe only staying for 5 mins, dropping off grapes, flowers and a mag or something.. just a friendly smile and a hello would be really nice.. and he/she may change their mind once youre there (and/or secretly wanting some company anyway)

    Hope theyre better soon


    I hated it when people came to hospital when id asked them not to. Probably wants to be left alone, they have phones in there for them to ring you or they can send you a free message which tells you the personal phone no for them.

    Yes like above you can ring the ward and ask how they are doing - but i would respect their wishes

    I was in for surgery yesterday and I didn't want any visitors, I was very drowsy from the anaesthetic and not in the mood for any kind of chat or small talk. I am home now and have made plenty of calls to friends and family and will be getting visits tonight when I'm much perkier.

    I'd leave the person alone as they have asked and visit tomorrow when they will be feeling better.

    After surgery I just wanted to rest. Felt really tired and didnt feel like seeing or talking to anyone. Major surgery will prob be even more tiring for the person so I'd respect their wishes leave them to rest. you can always visit them with a nice post-op present when they are up to having visitors


    i personally would ring the hospital and ask them to ask your relative if they would like you to visit, if they have asked you not to you should respect their wishes, but maybe they may change their mind so a quick call will let them know you respect them but are there if they change their mind

    Original Poster

    Thanks for the replies, as you can see a total split of opinions which makes the fact that I can't make my mind up a bit easier to take.

    I really don't think they want visitors and aren't just saying it.

    p.s cheers Ace, if there is one thing that I can be guarateed is to be wound up and get a laugh on here every day. (your is the laugh btw, can't imagine this person tucking into a KFC somehow)

    Think I will probably go to just to quickly see them, no long chats etc, they can tell me off at a later date.


    how about sending in a small bunch of flowers, dropping them in and leaving a card within them saying you are only a phone call away if they wish to change their mind about you visiting them

    You will feel a lot better in yourself if you are there. Even if it's outside his'her door. Their are plenty of people around that can update you on how they are doing.

    Good Luck

    My mother underwent surgery for breast cancer and said she didn't want visitors that day. My brother and I went just to set our minds at rest and she was fantastic and pleased we went. She always said one of the best things ever when she opened her eyes, was to see my brother and I standing just at the gap in the curtains around her bed holding a lovely arrangement of freesias. The perfume from freesias always reminded her of that moment - she knew we were there for her! We didn't intend staying if she wasn't up to it, but needed to see her for ourselves.
    Hope all goes well

    i think you should respect their wishes. Put yourself in their shoes-i don't know what they are having done-but you feel awful after an anaesthetic and also will probably be on pain killers-the last thing you need is to be polite and sociable-and no matter how close you are- that is how they would feel they need to be.

    I was a theatre nurse for 15 years-and believe me-lots of people don't want relatives or friends to see them when they are not in control and groggy-would you?

    Each person is different, but i would suggest you ring the hospital and ask about them-making sure you ask them to leave a note by your relatives bed to say you called (as they may forget someone has told them) and go tomorrow.

    Write them a note tonight and post it instead-its lovely gettng post-even when you are in hospital.

    Don't mean to ramble-but they need to know they are not being intruded on if they do not want to be.

    Hope this helps-you sound like you really care-they are lucky to have you, who is prepared to consider their wishes aswell as your own !

    Remember I was in hospital for around 3 days and got really annoyed when loads of ppl turned up at visiting one night as I was feeling terrible and just wanted to rest.:thumbsup:
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