Who wants a joke from Peter Beardsley's joke book?

I bumped into an old mate and asked him what he was up to. He said I prepare meals for homeless, addicts and drunks. I said is it charity work? He said no Its Wetherspoons.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it

My doctor told me to take up an activity that keeps me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking

My wife texted me wish you were here. She does that every time she visits the cemetery

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.