Who wants a joke from Peter Beardsley's joke book?

Posted 29th Apr

I bumped into an old mate and asked him what he was up to. He said I prepare meals for homeless, addicts and drunks. I said is it charity work? He said no Its Wetherspoons.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they are so good at it

My doctor told me to take up an activity that keeps me out of the pub. So I’ve started smoking

My wife texted me wish you were here. She does that every time she visits the cemetery

I just interviewed a bloke for a job. “Can you perform under pressure?” I asked. No he replied. But I do a great bohemian rhapsody.

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30th Apr

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but I left because it was just one ting after another

I tried to explain to my 4 year old that it was perfectly normal to poo your pants but he’s still making fun of me

29th Apr

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

30th Apr

I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

15 Comments

29th Apr

First one was the best!

The elephant one I half got, could you expand your thinking at a very high level?

29th Apr

I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

29th Apr

More please

29th Apr

Jordan_Taylor29/04/2020 23:46
I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He …I went to the local video shop and said could I borrow Batman Forever? He said, no you have to bring it back tomorrow.

How old is this book? I thought video shops all closed down.

29th Apr

The last three are very good. Second was in one of my joke books as a kid in the 70's!

29th Apr

I phoned up my local gym and asked if they could teach me the splits. They said "well how flexible are you"? I said "well I can't do Tuesdays or Thursdays".

30th Apr

I went into a pet shop and asked if I could buy a goldfish. The bloke asked if I wanted an aquarium. I said I don’t care what star sign it is.

30th Apr

the elephant one is so old

30th Apr

I phoned the local refuse collection company and told them I wanted a skip outside my house. They said "well, we're not stopping you".
#TommyCooper

30th Apr

MadeDixonsCry29/04/2020 23:53
How old is this book? I thought video shops all closed down.

I know, elephants can’t hide in trees either, they are way too big.

30th Apr

AngelBomber30/04/2020 07:15
I know, elephants can’t hide in trees either, they are way too big.

I think you'll find that they can, the males normally paint their balls red and hang upside down in cherry trees.

Whats the noisiest thing in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.