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    "Your jokes are crap!!!"

    Pffffft, apparently my jokes are crap, I disagree, they are blatantly the funniest.....

    So... what's the funniest jokes you have heard when sober lol I need a good giggle

    63 Comments

    what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

    cliff

    /thread

    What do you call a fish with no eye


    A fsh

    Original Poster

    modoc;7922744

    Your threads are crap too.Sort it out ffs! :thumbsup:



    Shush so's your face!:whistling:

    Banned

    numptyj;7922736

    what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?cliff/thread



    oh lawd.... my funnybone just broke

    Original Poster

    numptyj;7922736

    what do you call a man with a seagull on his head?cliff/thread



    hmmm heard it before and didn't like it then :-D

    bykergrove;7922754

    oh lawd.... my funnybone just broke



    epic luls were had


    Have you heard the joke about the bin?

    Its rubbish


    Have you heard the joke about the bed?

    It hasn't been made yet

    BRB my creative talents are needed elsewhere :santa:

    *katie*;7922752

    Shush so's your face!:whistling:



    What are you talking about? I posted a funny joke as requested and you insult me.

    What do you call a woman with tiles on her head

    Ruth

    mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his winkie in between 2 biscuits

    'what are you doing!?' she asks

    'I'm ******* crackers' he replied

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    No idea

    ( I'll get me coat lol)

    Why don't anteaters get sick?

    Because they're full of anty-bodies!

    Original Poster

    modoc;7922770

    What are you talking about? I posted a funny joke as requested and you … What are you talking about? I posted a funny joke as requested and you insult me.



    Oh hahahhaha I saw what you said before, and quoted it meh

    Original Poster

    numptyj;7922769

    epic luls were hadHave you heard the joke about the bin?Its rubbishHave … epic luls were hadHave you heard the joke about the bin?Its rubbishHave you heard the joke about the bed?It hasn't been made yetBRB my creative talents are needed elsewhere :santa:



    Don't get the last joke, either that or it's not funny :-D

    michelleleemoo;7922787

    mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his winkie in … mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his winkie in between 2 biscuits'what are you doing!?' she asks'I'm ******* crackers' he replied


    :w00t:


    mark halsall;7922792

    What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea( I'll get me coat lol)



    Lol your part in brackets made me laugh, not the joke

    *katie*;7922804

    Oh hahahhaha I saw what you said before, and quoted it meh



    Liar...the proof is there in the thread :thumbsup:

    why do women wear knickers?

    because the 'Health and Safety at Work Act' states '....all manholes must be covered when not in use.'

    Two Liverpudlians working in a facory were talking.
    >
    >"I know how to get some time off," said one.
    >
    >"How are you going to do that?"
    >
    >"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
    >
    >The foreman asked what he was doing up there
    >and the man replied."I'm a lightbulb."
    >
    >"I think you need some time off," the foreman said
    >and the first man walked out of the factory.
    >
    >After a moment, the second man followed him.
    >
    >"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
    >
    >"I can't work in the dark," he said. :-D

    Whats the difference between a german girl and a walrus?

    1 has a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a walrus

    Original Poster

    modoc;7922824

    Liar...the proof is there in the thread :thumbsup:



    I'l ask a mod :P haha u cheeky gett I saw it and you know it! Pffft, and your still here :whistling:

    mark halsall;7922792

    What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea( I'll get me coat lol)



    What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?






    Still no idea.

    Original Poster

    michelleleemoo;7922828

    why do women wear knickers?because the 'Health and Safety at Work Act' … why do women wear knickers?because the 'Health and Safety at Work Act' states '....all manholes must be covered when not in use.'



    Trying to work it out. . . hmmmmmmmm :oops:
    transit;7922853

    Whats the difference between a german girl and a walrus?1 has a moustache … Whats the difference between a german girl and a walrus?1 has a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a walrus



    I'm german :?

    Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

    Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
    Vet: "Is it a tom?"
    Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

    *katie*;7922881

    Trying to work it out. . . hmmmmmmmm :oops:I'm german :?



    You can borrow my razor blade then :thumbsup:

    A female dwarf goes to the doctors complaining of a sore fluppety flue. The dr gets some scissors out and starts snipping, little lady says 'that feels so much better, what have you done?' Dr replies 'i've trimmed the top off yr wellies'.

    Original Poster

    transit;7922892

    You can borrow my razor blade then :thumbsup:



    LOL!!!! No im 100% english :whistling: Thanks anyway, so kind the people of hukd!

    michelleleemoo;7922787

    mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his winkie in … mental patient is in hospital when a nurse catches him with his winkie in between 2 biscuits'what are you doing!?' she asks'I'm ******* crackers' he replied



    Luv it!

    The other one was about him being annoyed with something and with his winkle in a pot of Birds Custard!

    'I'm ******* discustard' he replied

    Original Poster

    arcangel111;7922894

    Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does … Bloke from Barnsley with a sore backside asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell a**e cream?"Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"



    *katie*;7922907

    LOL!!!! No im 100% english :whistling: Thanks anyway, so kind the people … LOL!!!! No im 100% english :whistling: Thanks anyway, so kind the people of hukd!



    I knew you were.............or maybe not :-D

    A Swedish man goes into a chemist and asks (in a Swedish accent)
    Have you any deodorant?
    Ball or aerosol?
    Neither . . . it's for under my arms.

    WantOne;7922922

    Luv it!The other one was about him being annoyed with something and with … Luv it!The other one was about him being annoyed with something and with his winkle in a pot of Birds Custard!'I'm ******* discustard' he replied



    :giggle::giggle:

    Whats invisible and smells of carrots?














    Rabbit farts,



    *all credit for his joke must be passed to my 7 year old son

    Original Poster

    harlzter;7922935

    Whats invisible and smells of carrots?Rabbit farts,*all credit for his … Whats invisible and smells of carrots?Rabbit farts,*all credit for his joke must be passed to my 7 year old son



    :-D 5*****

    Paddy's chat up lines:

    1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
    2. Are your parents ret*rded? 'Cos your special!
    3. My love for you is like diarrh**a. I just cant hold it in!
    4. Is there a mirror in your kn**kers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
    5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my
    nuts tighten up!
    6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only
    a light switch away!

    Original Poster

    sunkissed;7922957

    Paddy's chat up lines:1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!2. Are … Paddy's chat up lines:1. Did ya f*rt? 'Cos ya just blew me away!2. Are your parents ret*rded? 'Cos your special!3. My love for you is like diarrh**a. I just cant hold it in!4. Is there a mirror in your kn**kers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you mynuts tighten up!6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is onlya light switch away!



    I'd hate someone to say any of them to me hehe great ice breakers tho :w00t:

    What do you call a girl lying in the middle of a tennis court?

    Annette.


    What do you call a 9 foot gorrilla with an ouzi?

    Sir


    What do you call a woman with jelly and fruit in one ear and custard and cream in the other?

    A trifle deaf.









    Coat on . . .


    . . . just switching light off as I leave.

    There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

    Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

    "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

    "I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

    2 irishmen find a mirror in the road. 1st one picks it up and says ' I know this face but can't put a name to it' 2nd one picks it up and says ' you daft barstool, it's me!'

    Bohemian Curry Song

    To be sung to the tune of Bohemian Rapsody (Queen!)

    Naan-aa, just killed a man
    Poppadom against his head
    Had lime pickle, now he's dead.
    Naan-aa, dinner just begun
    But now I'm going to crap it all away.
    Naan-aa, ooh-ooh
    Didn't mean to make you cry,
    Seen nothin' yet just see the loo tomorrow,
    Curry on, Curry on, 'cause nothing really madras.


    Too late, my dinner's gone
    Sends shivers up my spine
    Rectum aching all the time.
    Goodbye every bhaji, I've got to go
    Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
    Naan-aa, ooh ooh,
    This Dopiaza's mild,
    I Sometimes wish we'd never come here at all...
    I see a little chicken tikka on the side,
    Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh pass the chutney made of mango.
    Vindaloo does nicely
    Very very spicey ME!
    Biryani (Biryani)
    Biryani (Biryani)
    Biryani and a naan,
    (A vindaloo loo looo...)
    I've eaten balti, somebody help me
    He's eaten balti, get him to a lavatory
    Stand you well back Cause this loo is quarantined.

    Here it comes,
    There it goes,
    technicolor yawn.
    I chunder
    No!
    It's coming up again
    (There he goes) I chunder It's coming up again
    (There he goes) It's coming up again, (Up again)
    Coming up again (up again)
    Here it comes again
    (No no no no no non o no no No)
    On my knees, I'm on my knees, I'm on my knees
    Oh there he goes
    This vindaloo
    Is about to wreck my guts
    Poor me... Poor me... Poor me!
    So you think you can chunder and still it's alright?
    So you want to eat curry and drink beer all night?
    Ohh maybe, now you'll puke like a baby,
    Just had to come out,
    Just had to come right out in here.... Korma, saag or bhuna,
    Balti, naan, bhaji.
    Nothing makes a difference
    Nothing makes a difference to me

    (Anyway, my wind blows.) :thumbsup:

    Thank you and good night! :thumbsup:

    Original Poster

    Thanks everyone for making me smile
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